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Another week in the life of me ^_^

I am really liking sitting down on a Saturday morning and putting my week and my thoughts down here.

Firstly i am so very proud of my AMAZING daughter, watching her do her homework and learn and seeeing her grow is AWESOME,.

I never expected to be a father or to be fair wanted to , and then one amazing day and one amazing lady changed all of that and i am so very thankful for that decision and for Jacey.

Before Mimi i was kinda drifting , i had depression and i suppose i was very directionless and as a result i often made bad decisions and didnt really look after myself.

Now after 6 years as a father i realise that Mia gave me a lot of direction and a lot of purpose, i dont really get depressed anymore or live that life anymore, i dont miss it in fact i am happy more now than i have been since i was a child.

I dont have time for those darker thoughts most of the time , i have a job i love, a daughter who constantly amazes me.

Being a father is tiring, and stessfull and oddly those are exactly the things that help me not be depressed.

This week has been hectic as always , my work is constantly challenging me and forcing me to learn and adjust, and it awesome.  I llike my team and the poeple i work with amd i really enjoy the work.

I have had my Acer Chromebook 14 now for a couple of weeks and it awesome, it does everything i need and just works , its quick and i keep finding new things it can do and it fits really well into my life.

I hope you are all well and happy?

Sorry i have been away

Recently life has been getting on top of me not the other way around.  I have been in a lot of pain with my osteoarthritis , tired all the time from the painkillers and kinda depressed. I lost my job which by that time i had pretty much come to hate the company i was working for But there are upsides i found a new job with a company i am really happy in, i love seeing my awesome daughter grow up and being a part of her life LOTS makes me forget everything negative in my life. And ithank Jacey or being an awesome mum.

I will be posting more now i have brought myself a new Chromebook, i saved up and sold the last of me E.on shares severing the last link i had with the morally bankrupt company.

I don't have a lot to say today, i hope to be made permanent at my job in the next few months and if my shoulder doesn't improve i guess it will be another round of doctors,consultants,tests and all of that.  I hope with the physio i make myself do everyday and eating better i can make enough of an improvement to avoid all that for a little while yet.

I hope you are all well and happy and i will be posting more soon.

So it's Autumn and that means...

BIG CHANGES

So firstly I am back to being Pescatarian so no meat and mostly veggies and some fish.

Secondly I feel kinda directionless, I have a good job and my amazing daughter and yet on the job front I feel like I need to do something else.

I have a few ideas but mostly I think I want a career.

On the diet front I want more healthy foods in my life and want to have less of an impact on the environment so a fish based Pescatarian approach makes lots of sense to me 😁

This time of year always makes me think and thanks to recent sickness I have had a LOT of time to do just that.

On the whole I am happy I LOVE being a dad and my life is a good one , now I really want to make more of a difference in the world.

Being more present

I have always multitasked I find it hard to concentrate on a single action, right now I am writing this on my phone while watching TV, I have found over the past year or so Facebook and social media as a whole have kept me kinda permanently distracted at a very low but persistent level.

To combat this I am taking break from Facebook , and allowing myself to be more present in my other actions

For me it is very easy to lose focus and social media grabs my attention very easily.

So onwards to more meditation and more paying attention to my main task.

I had a plan and have achieved it

So last year on my birthday I set myself a goal, to be as fit and in shape as I EVER have been by my birthday this year.

This was not going to be easy I have osteoarthritis in my right shoulder and a few other issues plus I was overweight and no where near my goal.

A week to go and I am there I think I have lost 6% of my body fat down to 12%

Put on about 9 pounds of muscle.

And feel GREAT

It wasn't easy I have radically changed my diet , cut my carbs down to under 50 grams a day and intermittently fast twice a week, I now ride between 30 and 50 miles a week and I am in the gym whenever my osteoarthritis allows about 8 hours a week.

I want more by I am content with my progress so far and feel I have acheived what I set out for, I am definitely stronger can ride further and faster and with the diet changes have eliminated NSAID pain killers, I don't exactly love what I see in the mirror but I am certainly less unhappy about it. (Body dysmorphia)

For the first time I am happy about being above 11 stone (I am currently 12 stone 3 pounds)

So onwards and upwards I am taking a break from the gym till next Monday as I am off on my birthday holiday camping in Lincolnshire

I have reached an odd place

So in a couple of weeks I will be 42, now that number doesn't bother me it is after all just a number.

However while I have a good job (one that pays ok and is safe ish) , a wonderful daughter who I love more than I can describe , and I am financially managing, I am not content.

Maybe I should be but that feels like settling , I want a job that's fulfilling not just working

And I honestly feel becoming a parent I really has given me a direction and purpose I simply had I not had before.

That purpose and direction has given me a reason to do all sorts of positive actions for my daughter and therefore myself

And at some point I think I would like another child

However I am single,only just covering everything and can not really afford either.

Not sure what's next for me, I am currently getting myself in the kind of shape i expect of myself and clearing off my debts

I am thinking about applying for jobs at cycle stores as i would love to work on bikes.

I don't think for me another child is really on the cards so I suppose I should I will shave that for a later date

Oh well time to get ready and hop on my bike and go to work

Fasting and lifestyle

For a few years I have had a day in the week (it's never a set day) where I don't eat untill late evening.

I have been asked why and given all.sorts of odd advice, so let's start with why ...

For many years I have been interested in Buddhism and that started my fasting journey, it is is also informed by my psychonaut adventures and the lessons I learnt there.

The central idea was a way to help me understand my relationship with food and to help myself listen and pay attention to my physical body a bit more.

Discipline also comes into it being able to wake up and say to myself "today is a fast day we don't need food today ,so just untill this evening we are avoiding it" is for me a very powerful action.

So that is where it started , since then I am and have been involved in all sort of bio hacking forums and through that that have learned all sorts of benefits.

This wonderful documentary is a great intro and taught me a lot and helped inform the direction of further studies

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01lxyzc

I know for myself it helps with my osteoarthritis, helps me with my overall energy levels, helps with my overall mood.

It has really helped me understand when my body is saying "we are hungry" and when it really means , "we are bored" or "we are thirsty"

Like a lot of things in my life I do it my own way ,I tend to prefer to not eat till my evening meal ,I always have green tea and don't have a set day (i see as a gift to myself)

I am pretty sure I will do this for the rest of my life.
I allowed myself to get seduced by the micro blogging Facebook and Twitter, but with that I had lost sight of how nice it is to sit down and properly frame my thoughts.

It allows me to appreciate the day and all that has happened.

Today I had a most lovely sunny ride to see my darling daughter, we played games went shopping and found a little Mimi door.


Mimi door

Ate together (Thanks Jacey for the oven) , we had a weird chocolate pizza which was SUPER sweet and very odd


Flat cake

Then cuddles and films then a lovely kiss goodbye

A nice ride home and now sorting for out my stuff for work and waiting for a mate

A very happy day

Changes

Change is everywhere and everything is impermanent

But for me I tend to stay pretty much the same for a few years then suddenly change a whole lot of things about myself.

For the past few years I have been recovering from surgery and adjusting to work and fatherhood , so the majority of my habits and my daily routine has stayed pretty much set

Recently I have felt the desire to change ,my shoulder and arthritis are feeling ok most days, so the gym has make a welcome return, and with that realising just how out of shape i had gotten.

I also realised I was drinking more than I was happy with and that led to a series of questionable decisions I wasn't totally happy with.

And if I really want to get back in shape then the drinking had to go.

That then led to a more open thoughtful and reflective time in my meditation as i had already accepted I had needed to change some things , so then inevitably led to more changes.

Now I am mostly through that process and my daily routine has changed a lot and smoking, drinking and a few other things are not part of it anymore.

This is allgood , I believe change is not only good but will happen whether we accept it or not.

I wonder what's next ...

Loss and music

This week we lost Chris Cornell

Now most times when a celebrity dies it is sad and a loss but overall it doesn't hit me as hard as this has

His music in his many bands was super important to me, i came of age in the early 90s and Soundgarden,Temple of the dog was always on.

Later in my life through some very tough times Audioslave and his voice helped me understand and phrase where I was in my head.

I still am processing this loss I am crying a little as I write this.

His songs and his voice communicated something to me and meant something to me

I don't think there will be another voice like his, it was unique and beautiful and something more I don't really have the word to express

Goodbye and thank you for your music I know there have been times where without it I might have gone down another far more self destructive​ path and might very well not be here to write this

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