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Alan Clarke
05 April 2016 @ 11:04 am

so havnt written on here for a while, this has been mostly down to my wonderfully busy and partly down to not having a lot to really say.

I feel a new phase of my life is starting  for the past year and half i have been unwell and then recovering and then being ill agaiin and so on.

I am however now starting to feel like myself again , i have an amazing family and freinds  and they have been lot of help.

I am still in pain but i have come ot term with the being kind to myself thing and knowing when to push myself and when not to, and i am now finding my new limits.

I have an amazing new bike which is simple one of the best bikes i have ever ridden and thanks to the bike to work scheme and i am riding again ad taking it easy (which i hate) but accept.


Meditation is helping me come to terms with new limitations and i have started writing again, and am currently forming a structure for "the book" and am starting to get a feel for how it is coming together.

so life is looking up, i have a few goals that i have thought about carefully and know they are achievable

1) get back into shape i have about 3 or 4 percent more body at than i would like

2) get my cardio back which is a lot out of wack right now

so i think this is the it for now more soon happy days to you all

*peace and love *


 
 
Alan Clarke
15 December 2015 @ 08:46 am

Quite a lot of discursive thoughts 💭 today, I quickly managed to let them go and achieved a lovely peaceful state of mind, I feel ready for the day now

 
 
Alan Clarke
02 December 2015 @ 08:56 am

So my #meditation sessions are getting easier, there is a lot less disucursive noise now and its easier to make that switch in my mental landscape. It is heling with the #anxiety and most certianly with my overall leval of pain.

I have started using the excellent #Buddify app which helps me top up during the day and i love all the catagories and can be found here

http://buddhify.com

Sleep is being very erratic at the moment and thats not helping so i have been using the #Buddify guided meditations and according to my sleep tracker i am starting to get better sleep

So all in a good start and i fully intend to practice lots more

 
 
Alan Clarke
17 November 2015 @ 08:49 pm

so today was a lot harder , i have been really tired and meditating was difficult but managed 7 mins so not bad but not great , long nights kip should help night night

 
 
Alan Clarke
16 November 2015 @ 09:46 am
Hi  

so i have decided to keep a journal on my return to meditation, and this seems like the perfect place...

today i completed a true north 5 min breathing meditation and it has left me feeling calm and slightly energised and ready for the day.

i have to admit that i have taken 4 mobths off from meditation for various reasons but mostly because i got distracted by life (silly me)

I am also looking into attending a Zen meditation class that a freind runs

so i wish anyone readung this a good, happy,safe  and productive day

Aj

 
 
Alan Clarke
11 April 2015 @ 12:57 pm
Hi everyone I have not been posting or very contactable of late, lots of hospital visits some planned others not so ( dislocated my left shoulder Thursday night)

And been working on getting the my new PC rig working so been a hermit while I get myself well

I have been spending a lot of time with my daughter and that always helps me feel happy and connected

I have an biopsy op on monday so the NHS can figure out what they want to do to fix my shoulder

Life is ok not great as still lots of pain from both my shoulders now but I am coping

I do intend to return to life soon so if i havnt replied to your texts or emails I am sorry i just need to reduce the amount of human contact i have when i am Ill
 
 
Alan Clarke
11 March 2015 @ 06:32 am
For the past few nights I have been having some very vivid, visceral and disturbing dreams, i just woke up crying after a girl that I don't know died ?

I remember introducing her to my dream self's parents, and spending time at the theatre with her, living with her, proposing and the door bell rang and she kept me waiting for an answer, her smile, and losing her to a weird cult in France and myself and freind trying find her and fix the disease she had but arriving to late?

I spent time in that world with those people.....

The night before I was an addict living on the streets i remeber everything the feelings the highs the lows again months of life that I have never lived.... I actually vomited shortly after i woke up the shock to my system was that real

I wonder what ny brain is trying to do or tell me?
 
 
Alan Clarke
10 March 2015 @ 10:13 am
So recently for rthe past few months I have been kinda stuck between the person i was ( Carter ) and the person i am yet to become.

I am stuck because I don't know who he is yet, there are a lot of choices and a lot of questions that goes along with them.

Do i settle for the job and the life that goes along with it? And if yes to that what about all the changes and causes i want to become more involved with my daughter deserves a better world then this, but do I just let all that go?

And if the answer is no then how do I become more involved with all of that without stepping away from that working man?


Amnesty and charity work and all those things that if anything matter more now i am a dad how can I walk away from those causes?

I need to be the best father I can be but I am not sure which me if any of these is the best one for that role.

I do know however that Carter needs to be put n the box sure i will take what I need and those lessons from that life but that life is gone no point looking back.

A freind warned me a long time ago that having a baby was not for people like us , i get it now i cant be that person i need to be a better one.

So month off work coming soon and time to answer these questions
 
 
Alan Clarke
08 March 2015 @ 07:52 am
This year I intend to have a proper sort out of all my stuff, this will included clothes and well EVERYTHING

To this end i have booked all of April off work and will be looking to heavily reduce the amount of stuff I have.

This will make any future housemoves much easier and a good old declutter is always good news.

I am also having some new ink done as a sign of moving forward I am having the Amnesty international symbol on my upper right arm

I intend to get more involved in work for them again like i used to be I feel it is such an important cause and its time to reflect that in my daily life again.

I will also be setting up my new PC and starting mining litecoins and getting involved in a project with a friend

My other uses for the pc will be as somewhere to continue writing my book which I hope to have finished the first draft within the next year and as a media server for the house.

Can't wait for April now....
 
 
Alan Clarke
07 March 2015 @ 08:15 pm
So recently I have been fasting two to three times a week and its going really well, I found that it easier for me to do eat nothing instead of simply restricting myself to 500 or so calories.

Life is good right now i am a little nervous about the upcoming surgery although no dates as yet.

Hope you are all well and happy
 
 
Alan Clarke
23 February 2015 @ 11:48 am
So for a while now i have been intermittent Fasting on alternate days and being honest sometimes I find it very hard, so I tried a couple of different ideas this weekend.

I have noticed that if I don't eat at all it is so much easier , so from now on instead of 600 calories on alternate days i will have 2 days a week where i eat nothing and avoid sugar in drinks so my fast will be closer to how I fast as a Buddhist simply green tea and and water.

I intend to split these days by at least 2 days where I eat normally.

I am also going back to a vegetarian or maybe pescatarian diet but this is mostly for as way to limit the harm i do and comes from my Buddhist side,and as a way of encouraging myself to eat in a healthier and more balanced way.

I don't like how I feel on alcohol anymore so will be cutting that down or out completely over the coming months
 
 
Alan Clarke
20 February 2015 @ 03:01 pm
So with my shoulder more than likely needing a partial or full replacement i am unable to train or ride right now, this both frustrating and makes me feel ill a lot more than maybe i should, also it's making alternate day fasting very difficult, so I am moving to a 5, 2 intermittent regime where i fast on weekends.

And walking everywhere to try and keep my physical fitness up

Do any of you know other ways i can keep fit that doesn't involve my arms?

Other than this i feel ok, except for the pain
 
 
Alan Clarke
05 February 2015 @ 09:21 pm
Right now i am kinda stuck between who i was and who I am becoming, and it's very odd here.

I think i am a little more sick then i had previously my resting pulse has jumped from 67 to 89, this can not be good news

In terms of health my resting pulse WAS super healthy for my age and is now kinda unfit

The hospital know and they and me talked about it so that's cool.

Mentally i feel kinda odd not sad but most certainly not happy now content.

Other than these mild concerns life is ok
 
 
Alan Clarke
A hard post to write and even harder to implement


Sorry I have not written for a while, it’s been an emotional and mentally very hard time for me and I have been dealing as best I could which for me meant simply hiding from the world so saying or typing it out loud would have meant I was forced to deal with things that I simply had not time for and no ability to handle.

That all came to a head on Friday when I was ruled “unfit for work” by work! , this simple phrase forced me to face head on simply how ill I am, and this lead to a whole emotional overload which I can only call a breakdown of sorts.

My shoulder is looking like it will need replacing; this will involve what is potentially many quite serious operations.

This has forced me to face my mortality and fragility as a human in a way that I never had and I do not really yet have the tools for.

This has come at the worse time for me in many ways I assume there are no good times for this but this “revelation” is unwanted at this time.

I also tried to revert back to an earlier self this weekend and go out to see some old friends at a club night I was part of for so many years, but the loss of some very dear friends including one of the people I felt closest to in my life has left holes in what I considered for many years to be my family.

I love all of you Gadge, Claire, Carrie, Spoox, James, Tom, Mat Scarlett, Glyn, Emma and Charlie and many others who are and were the family i was blessed to be a part of for so many years.

And i remember the ones that are lost and moving on to their next lives

This is also a thank-you to those wonderful people who are and were part of of that life

I can't be a part of that life any more too many reminders of people lost and that is so sad that i cant continue.
 
 
Alan Clarke
29 December 2014 @ 09:21 pm
I feel very disconnected from... well everything at the moment. I have an odd amount of self doubt which is also worrying.

Not really sure what i can do about it.

I know logically that most of this is down to my shoulder and being injured it's annoying that i feel kinda helpless.

But it is also seeping into other areas of my life.

I also think that i want to spend even more time with Mia but the only way that can happen is her sleeping over more, I have an odd desire to create a home for me and her which may mean moving.

So much on my mind at the moment, it's all a bit manic

Oh well i suppose action is the best way forward.
 
 
Alan Clarke
27 December 2014 @ 10:18 pm

So i now i have been busy and have taken another break from here, i guess i am trying to find out how this fits with my life now?

So i am taking a step back Lj for me was a way to store and track how i was feeling and it also acted as a kind of confessional, if the thoughts were out of my head and written down then that gave then a kinda shape that i could see and understand.

So thats where i return to a mostky daily log of ny thoughts.

My life right now is very split, i am so happy being a dad,with my job, and most parts of it.

But being ill with my shoulder is super tough,not being able to be as physical and active has removed a coping mechinism i will find a way around it i am sure.

I will tell you all lots more soon

Aj

 
 
Alan Clarke
10 August 2014 @ 02:32 pm
I have been wondering what I should use this blog for, it has had many users over the years but recently I have been struggling finding a new one until now.....

This will serve as a place whey I can record this I have seen, do see that I think my daughter might not.

Simple things remembrances of things that will be lost.

So here is the first one.

I remember a time when a coffee shop was a cafe and they served breakfasts at reasonable prices not 20 types of coffee with extortionate prices.
 
 
Alan Clarke
07 May 2014 @ 08:56 pm
So on the whole life is going great, my little lady is growing and learning and being every so chatty and all round wonderful, I love watching her grow its awesome, work is going well I find myself fitting in which is slightly unnerving. But I often find myself feeling disconnected and out of place in this new version of my life. I have all sorts of questions, like an I good a good father, am I going to remain alone, and other such questions.

I think I am happy ...but not really sure

I was a person who was very sure if my place in this life, now I am ever so unsure most of the time, I often feel like I wasn't meant to have this life and feeling very unprepared for it.

Perhaps I should stop thinking so much
 
 
Alan Clarke
21 March 2014 @ 08:11 am
So life is good my job at E.on is going really well, my darling Tiny Lady is nearly two and a half and is a very chatty, happy little lady indeed, not much going on other than work, time with her and sleep right now but I am content and happy most of the time. Thanks to a work scheme I have a new bike and it is most awesome. I will soon have paid off a massive debt and will be one step closer to being debt free. So over all life is good hope you are all well and happy too?
 
 
Alan Clarke
27 February 2014 @ 08:37 am
Wow longest break from My and the Internet EVER. Got lots to update about very soon , for now I have to get ready and go to work
 
 
Alan Clarke
15 September 2013 @ 07:08 pm
This weekend was lots of fun, swimming twice with my wonderful and delightful daughter, I hope she enjoyed father and daughter time as much as i did. She smiles and laughs so easily it is a delight to be with her. Had a play date with Claires little angel Polly and good times were had. I see friendship in the future! I will sleep soundly and with a smile tonight
 
 
Alan Clarke
27 August 2013 @ 10:20 pm
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
 
 
how did i feel?: hate/love/despair
 
 
Alan Clarke
22 August 2013 @ 08:01 am
Now i don't want this to sound ungrateful, and i know have a daughter that i LOVE so so much, and she is my family and the most wonderful person in my life, and yet at the same time i want someone to share my life with a partner and maybe from there more.

I think i have started wanting a family in Ia more normal sense 2 people with a little one living together,

I know i can not have this with my currant family situation me and JC will never be that so what now?

Well i suppose i should concentrate on getting a home for me and Mia and then see what happens after , i can not wait till she is a little older and comes and stays with me for days/weeks at a time.

I want an adult to share my life with be it a man or a woman is not a concern i have wonderful friends and i would never take anything away from all the love and support they provide around me , and i have a lovely daughter i am constantly surprised and amazed by and yet at the same time i feel something or someone is missing.

Perhaps this is just a passing phase so i am going to concentrate on what i need to do now and worry about the rest whenever
 
 
how did i feel?: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
Alan Clarke
16 August 2013 @ 07:59 am
A most talented chap i am blessed to a call a friend features on this wonderful track Alex Motormouf Young let's get the word out

 
 
how did i feel?: waking up
whats that noise?: THIS
 
 
Alan Clarke
13 August 2013 @ 08:18 am
So moving house, packing and sorting and throwing away, so many memories found cards and presents from lost friends and missing ones.

Couple this with work and trying to see Mia for a couple of hours a day while being ,moaned and nagged by her mum that i am not doing enough means i get home everyday in pain from my shoulder, neck, back and so tired i could cry some days,

I now wake up on most days an immediately throw up, i know this is just stress but it's still not a great sign.

Soon this will be sorted and i will be in a new place relaxing with my little girl in HER OWN ROOM!

I have asked work if i could drop a day and work Mon - Thurs i don't really see any way i can be with the little lady more at present.

Right oh off to work
 
 
how did i feel?: Shattered
whats that noise?: The Smashing Pumpkins - Heavy Metal Machine | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
04 August 2013 @ 11:50 am
So the the other night i went to a friends place to check out a loft bed, and instead i found a new house !!!!

It has a room a little larger than the one i have right now  AND best of all it has a box room that i can make lovely for the little lady YAY

It not on a main road and the front of the house overlooks a lovely promenade with tree's that it looks like this ...



The forest Recreation ground is right next door AND i have registered with the local gym/swimming pool so me and the Little lady can go swimming together and have lovely walks !

The guy i will be living with has been a great friend for many many years.

So over the next few weeks i shall be packing and moving back to Forest Fields and decorating

 
 
Alan Clarke
29 July 2013 @ 01:04 pm
After chatting with the ever lovely and always insightful eglantinedreams i have decided to try and impose some kinda of structure and plan onto my daily existence, so when i go see the little one tonight i shall ask her mum if we continue the Friday night daddy stay over and then she gets a night off if she wants to go out or ....

I spend all of Saturday with the little miss and pretty much every evening except Thursdays and i have Sunday to clean and sort out my housework.

And if little miss wants to stay over mine on Friday or Saturday thats also fine

I think this is reasonable??

In other news i am at home today and have called in sick as i feel MASSIVELY run down have an upset stomach and it took 2 co codamol  for me to make it to the lounge ??
 
 
Alan Clarke
21 May 2013 @ 07:26 am
I have decided to buy and load an e reader with ALL the books that are essential reading for children.....books like Peter Pan and Alice In wonderland etc

I am not planning on giving this to her till she is a few years older so i have time.

What books would YOU include in a collection of this sort?
 
 
how did i feel?: tiredtired
whats that noise?: Daft Punk - The Game of Love | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
09 May 2013 @ 09:17 am
It seems i have these odd self insight moments a lot these days ...maybe that's a good thing or not ?

I am once again attempting to fit into a life that confuses me ...

I realised yesterday that i don't entirely know who i am (actually thats not right it's just the best way i can word it) ...I knew who i was or i thought i did but those memories of that person are tinged with the unreal

I am sure this isn't making much sense.  So let me clarify a little.

I remember a weekend where me and a close friend spoke to fairies, played volleyball with an energy ball we "created" and chatted for far far more than the 40 ish hours we were together with a magical glowing tree outside lighting the path to the truth

NOW i know some of that didn't happen and i know some of it did  i even know which bits to discount as "tripping" but does that make them less real and if it does how do i then account for last 15 years of "memories"???

I perhaps should think less.

I know i hurt JC and i really am sorry for that but i have to say here to you that i cant see a way i can ever get on the right side of that.  If i calm i am a "zombie" and if i am me i am "too hectic" and that binary classifications is true of so so many situations.

I have never been able to grasp the middle way ...i am either ON IT or not, i am either the happiest person in the room or   the saddest.

How i meant to be the "right" person when i don't even know what that is??

I am not proud of a lot of the things i did that year (2011)


In my defense i was faced with loving someone who i knew didnt really love me , and i understand she thought and maybe still does that she did but i had to walk away from that, i could not see a way forward and that's the best time to get out.

And faced with that situation and then the inevitable comedown from 10 years of of insanity , and then a close freind who meant SO much me left us  and THEN the prospect of becoming a father all inside a 4 month time frame i snapped

And yeah i admit i made some stupid choices and hurt some people around me, especially JC.

Meds, CBT didnt really help, my therpist seemed to think i was "a stressed and depressed and under a lot of pressure but i was acting rationally"

I know she was scared and i tried so hard to be there and understand but the wall she had already put up was beyond me at that time and maybe always will be now.

So i am left trying to be the new sober and productive member of society, while all the time feeling like i am playing  part in some kind of universal play.

I wont say the only times i feel like me are when i am high that's just not the case , every moment i spend with Mia i feel ALIVE in a way i havnt before.

But with JC ....i am lost, i love her and she pretty much hates me.

That all folks for this mornings odd ramblings

Does anyone still read this?
 
 
whats that noise?: The Smashing Pumpkins - Cupid de Locke | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
08 May 2013 @ 08:06 am
Recently i have been having VERY vivid and somewhat disturbing dreams, mostly about the past and people i no longer speak with or cannot...

Is this some kind of sign that i am moving away from the person i once was?

I tend towards viewing my past memories with some level of cynicism as i know a lot of what i "remember" was from some kind of altered state.

I always get oddly depressed this time of year, and i know i have no reason to.

My life on the whole is pretty good i will soon be starting a new job, my little girl is more amazing than ever and i feel quite .... settled.

And maybe therein lies the problem whenever i sense my life is starting to work out i seem to get confused, i just kinda expect it not to.

Does this make any sense??
 
 
how did i feel?: melancholymelancholy
whats that noise?: The Smashing Pumpkins - Jellybelly | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
06 May 2013 @ 10:15 am
So i got the job with EON and i am really happy about it and cant wait to start next monday YAY

on a slight down side my neck hates me as its decided i can only turn my head to the right and if i try the other way it hurts SO SO MUCH??

Time for more painkillers i spent yesterday in bed reading which was kinda pleasant ...

Off for a v hot shower now then a gentle walk over to see the Squidge

Life is good i think for the time being i am going to cut my gym work back to 2 or 3 times a week instead of most days, maybe i am trying to push my body beyond what it can handle right now.

I have to remember i am the wrong/right side of 30 and in 2 years i will be 40 !!!

Still it looks like a nice day and i think a walk and a few hours with my daughter will be make me most smiley again

And i get to go to the job centre and tell them i dont  need there "help" YAY
Tags: , , ,
 
 
how did i feel?: happyhappy
whats that noise?: When i was girl - Alison Moyet | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
02 May 2013 @ 10:00 am
Waking up this morning i realised i have no food and no money....till about Saturday eek , This does not trouble me overly i still have coffee, it means i can head over to see the Squidge and i have ABSOLUTELY no reason to leave.

I feel good about life at present i am very hopeful i will land the E.ON job, i am going to see my daughter who i love SO MUCH and its sunny and nice out i am listening to the Smashing Pumpkins and i have MANY MANY reasons to be thankful

So i understand that life is messing with me a little but if no food and money is all it's got then it is going to lose AGAIN.

The flat needs a good tidy and clean and i think i will tackle that on Saturday

Other than life is what it is for me pretty hard but always GREAT i think it is how we choose to see it that matters, this way i also lose a bit the slight bulge around my middle i have been developing YAY

I hope you are all well and happy ??
 
 
how did i feel?: happyhappy
whats that noise?: The Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
23 April 2013 @ 07:31 am
My little lady is amazing, yesterday we had ACE morning out at Jungletastic where she showed no fear at ALL conquering ALL the slides , bouncy falls and all sorts of scary fun play stuff ( some that 3 and 4 year olds were a  too scared to do ) we had such a fab time i am taking her to Toddle group there in about an hour

When she was ready to leave she took my hand and showed me to the exit it is so nice that she is her own little self now and can express it.

After we got back to her's she took my hand again and this time led me to the bathroom (she was not wearing a nappy) so i dutifully followed to thr bathroom , and then she pulled her trousers down asked to be picked up and sat on the loo (with my help) and did what she needed to do.

Now this little lady is 17 months old and i am a very proud dad ^_^
 
 
Alan Clarke
A few weeks ago i lost my job and started signing on, my job centre was Station street quite a long way from where i love AND passed 1 other job centre?

I turned up early to my first interview and had to wait for about 30 mins AFTER my interview time...

I saw one person who was lovely and signed some things to agree the information i had provided online was correct.

I then had to wait another 10 mins to see a harassed , tired and frankly rude lady who had me sign lots of pieces of paper and a tablet like device MANY times without really explaining any of this to me, at the end of this interview i asked when i should next attend and was told the following Wednesday.

I attended the following Wednesday to sign on for the first time and was told i couldn't do that as i had missed an interview on the previous Monday???

I then waited another 30 mins to see a chap who treated me like a criminal said "i don't have time to see you now so your coming back tomorrow to discuss this"   he had all the customer service of an angry rock who doesn't like people.

i asked him if i could see the signature  he claimed i had made for the letter and he simply and rather gruffly said no, i have still not been show this.

I borrowed the tram fare and attended to next day only to be kept waiting another 30 mins and then to be told "well we are sending this derby you wont receive any money until this is sorted out"

Over the course of the next 4 weeks i had to email my local politician, speak to 3 different people, send over 10 emails and make 4 appeals

During one of these phone calls from the DWP office in Staion street one of there advisers actually admitted finding the letter i had apparently signed for

I finally received a call yesterday and my suspension has been over turned the money they owe will be paid. and i have managed to re location to a job centre near me.

Now here are the interesting points, i am on "contribution based" Job seekers allowance what this means is the money i am receiving comes from MY national insurance contributions so the D.W.P was withholding MY MONEY.

Secondly there is no point in this process when i have not been looking for work so i am an active job seeker with LOTS of proof and my job search has been limited BECAUSE of a lack of funds.

Due to the lack of money i couldn't call prospective employers, i was struggling to eat and if not for a few very good friends i would have been in much more trouble.

So effectively they with held my money and hampered my efforts to find a job??

How does any of this make sense?

I am never out of work for long (the last time i found a job within 4 days), i am actively looking for work as i do not like taking hand outs, and while doing this i have been fighting the DWP for money that I HAVE PAID in national insurance contributions

GGGRRRR
Tags: , , ,
 
 
Alan Clarke
12 April 2013 @ 08:17 am
Thanks to a recent facebook thread i realized a few things about myself so  i took this into my meditation and thought i would share.

In my working life as you all know i have had A LOT of jobs, partly this is down to the sector i often find myself in, call centre and sales work tend to be a very high turn over area and it is not that uncommon to move a round.  But  part of it is my inbuilt in desire to say what i think and if i believe i am in the right my inability to back down.

Now i am not saying that this is a bad thing i honestly have disagreed with my employers in some cases i was clearly right, with one employers i very nearly got fired over essentially defending myself again a homophobic moron.

On that occasion i did keep my job but i certainly did not endear myself to them at all.

I am more than happy in my personal life to walk away from arguments i see no point in having and do quite often, BUT in my working life this seems to not happen?

Do you guys think i am over opinionated or obstinate??

I try keep an open mind, i know recently i have been accused of not doing so BUT i think that case is slightly different due to that particular disagreement it seemed like that to the other person as i was going from experience i knew action X would like to consequence Y  so i was ruling out action X as a possibility, from there point of view action X seemed like the best thing to do.

And when i tried to explain the discussion was already to heated so i left it and walked away.
 
 
whats that noise?: nitzer ebb - i thought
 
 
Alan Clarke
10 April 2013 @ 08:03 am
So i am out of work which is kinda odd, i LOVE spending lots of time with Little miss seeing her everyday is AWESOME

I love watching her grow and learn she is AMAZING and life changing.

I am trying to hit the gym really hard as i have been getting out of shape recently and Little Miss deserves and fit healthy dad to play with for many years to come BUT my shoulder isnt making it easy and i am finding it hard to be motivated recently i dont know why??

I seem to need less sleep than i used to which is good but leaves me awake at all sorts of odd times??

I will have a job again soon have the final part of an interview with Sky as a retail advisor next week and it looks like a fantastic job with good wages and opportunities.

Life is ticking along, i am still fasting once or twice a week and that is really helping me with focus and health.
Tags: , , ,
 
 
Alan Clarke
13 February 2013 @ 09:48 pm
I have no clue where i am or what i should be doing in my life right now

I am pretty sure i am doing it wrong again though i dont know what it is or why.....

need to sleep

far too many thoughts........

so listening to rock instead

ouch my head hurts i get the feeling sometimes i shouldnt have lived this long???
 
 
whats that noise?: Biffy Clyro - God & Satan | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
07 February 2013 @ 09:34 pm
Right my life is FECKING AMAZING right now and utterly bloody exhausting

My job is superturbomega AWESOME i wake up meet cool people at train station travel to some random town/city try and convince as many people as possible how AWESOME the Red Cross is and travel back to Nottingham go see Squidge play with her until she is asleep then finally home to sleep

Jacey is an amazing mum to our wonderful daughter and Mia is a wonderful baby i am very blessed to have these two people in my life
 
 
how did i feel?: happyhappy
whats that noise?: Pearl Jam - Even Flow | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
Alan Clarke
I have been...lazy, dormant and a little bit lost recently ( a few months )

BUT now i feel like i really HAVE to chase my goals as far as Buddhism, Meditation and fitness

So much reading, running is on the cards i dont know why i have had this fog over myself recently its wierd but its lifting

Time to rock
 
 
how did i feel?: confusedconfused
 
 
Alan Clarke
27 September 2012 @ 07:48 am
I have decided to find my adopted father Jim Clarke, i know roughly where he is and i am fairly confident that i can locate him, I have not seen him i told him i was getting married many many years ago , i have not had cause or reason or the desire to i simply had nothing to talk to him about.

Now i do..he has a beautiful grand daughter and no matter what has passed between me and him he deserves to know that.

I am not intending on him meeting Mia but i will take pictures with me when i go knock on his door

I know better than most that we all make stupid mistakes and do stupid things...

Maybe this is in part me closing a chapter and putting some things in my head in order , maybe i am grateful to those that have forgiven me for various ...actions and now its time to do the same
 
 
whats that noise?: Creep - Radiohead