Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke
technomouse

CLICK

Sometimes in my head there is a click and somehow everything seems clearer. One of those times was when i knew my marriage and that life was over and it was time to get out there was no point in staying and being that me.

Today i woke up and it happened again.

I now have time to study , to read, to do anything i want.

Firstly i need money this is simple increase my hours at work and i have already set that in motion, overtime should also be easy to get.

Then i need to understand so many things Buddhism is first and foremost in my mind, and then i want to see the world and i want to affect it.

I want to help people change things i dont know how yet.

Firstly though small steps with my mum i am sorting out my room i will have a futon lots of shelves for books and my stereo, this will give me a place to start to study and sleep.

Then work LOTS of overtime and sales should seriously increaase the amount i earn.

I have been allowing myself ot get old and slow and stuck in place where i was and i was happy there but there is done , gone and closed.

I NEED to see more of the world, i NEED to understand more , i NEED to not let my life mean nothing.

I have joined and i am have started writing lots of letters for Amnesty and i there are causes i care very much about.

The drink, drugs and parties were somethign i was using in many ways but they have also used me and stopped me thinking and stoped me caring.

Not any more ............

I will continue to live here in the house with Carrie and that really is completly ok with me today we have come to many agreements about bills , foood etc and pretty much sorted that out, we were always good at that when we were together and thankfully that has not changed.

My emotions are something i CAN control, stopping myself thinking and allowing myself to be that shallow sometimes vapid party person may have been fun but NOW I NEED more and i NEED to be more.

Carrie gave me an amazing six year gift in being with me and it was and always will contain some of the most special moments of my life, i can only thank her for those times and i have great respect and love for the amazing person she is.

I want to start giving to the world and not avoiding it and myself in drink and drugs they were only dulling what i can do.

I have never been into self doubt so....now i think its time to find out what i can do if i put my mind to it
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