Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke
technomouse

  I am a complete idiot......

I think i may have lost one of the best things to ever happen to me.....

sure we are still freinds ...but i want to marry her ...start a family with her and ....so much more

I have a job and i am started flirting with others but my heart simply isnt in it...i want to come home and kiss her

Instead i am greeted by a smile a hug and friendship, which too be honest i will accept with gratitude because the thought of JC not in my life .....scares me i dont want to continue without her.

I have been depressed of late and i allowed that to affect our relationship and because i didnt explain it went wrong i walked away got smashed and told her to leave, i am so so so glad she did not

i need/want one more chance ...i dont even deserve it and i know that but still i need to feel her arms around me

I dont even know how to sort this out and i dont even know what to do...so i continue as her friend and hope one day that will chnage

Right now i want to drink, take and get wrecked ...i hate myself as per usual during these times

I LOVE YOU Jacey Melody Joyce more than i have ever loved anyone else

I am resisting the urge to cut , to hurt to .............. but its hard without her everything is harder

Sure i have a new job and sure i will have money again but most of the time i am barely stopping myself crying or cutting

JC is away this week and the house feels ...........empty, alien kinda of scary

She is the light of my world

And no amount of drinking , self harm etc will fix how i feel so i resist

I am sleeping most of the time (15 hour stretches when time allows) i i just cant find the energy to do anything else or the reason to anymore

I smply want to wake up next to you JC , i want to plan that life and MAKE it happen i know i can with you by my side

I am sorry i am distant , sometimes i am simply lost in my head

If i lose you ...i dont know how i will start again and i dont even want to not anymore
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