Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke
technomouse

A full update and a come back

 This year began as one of the most amazing years of my life, i started it engaged to the most amazing lady i have ever met, since then lots of things have happened, lots of heart ache, lots of loss.

We broke up....i was forced to confront my flaws and people there were alot of them...i had been living for years fuelled by fear , hate and anger.

I then lost an awesome friend ...Sarah was so many things to me all of them good and her death broke something in me.

Then i had some awesome news news but in a very strange way.

I was forced to confront myself.......and its been a HARD FEW MONTHS, i am scared physically , emotionally and mentally.

And i have come through that................i still have a way to go, i am still on meds and i have a meeting with health in mind.

I had to pull myself back from ending it all and i was seconds away it took everything i had and i was left empty and changed

I am not longer Carter, i am no longer Alan.............i am now AJ

I can go to sleep at night with hope for the next day, i can wake up in the morning with a smile and know i am ok with myself.

I know there were some of you haters out there .....and here is a message.  When i was Carter i was no where near my best, now i know i can be better, now i know much more of who i am

So.....where now.

I get a job ,,,,i will do it and be as god as i can be, in a few months something wonderful will happen that has already changed me and sure will continue to.

I will work hard to get fitter....i am already running and soon with job comes the gym.

I will work hard to be the best role model i can.

I will be a better person

There will be more down days and there is more i still need to deal with but i am ready and i am stronger

So here is to new starts, better beginnings and a great life because we ALL deserve that and that means I DESERVE THAT

So i will work as hard as i can to get there and to be the best i can be, no more hiding behind a façade built of fear and hate  just me 
Tags: aj, new starts
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