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Sorry i have been hiding

Hi everyone I have not been posting or very contactable of late, lots of hospital visits some planned others not so ( dislocated my left shoulder Thursday night)

And been working on getting the my new PC rig working so been a hermit while I get myself well

I have been spending a lot of time with my daughter and that always helps me feel happy and connected

I have an biopsy op on monday so the NHS can figure out what they want to do to fix my shoulder

Life is ok not great as still lots of pain from both my shoulders now but I am coping

I do intend to return to life soon so if i havnt replied to your texts or emails I am sorry i just need to reduce the amount of human contact i have when i am Ill

Very odd dreams

For the past few nights I have been having some very vivid, visceral and disturbing dreams, i just woke up crying after a girl that I don't know died ?

I remember introducing her to my dream self's parents, and spending time at the theatre with her, living with her, proposing and the door bell rang and she kept me waiting for an answer, her smile, and losing her to a weird cult in France and myself and freind trying find her and fix the disease she had but arriving to late?

I spent time in that world with those people.....

The night before I was an addict living on the streets i remeber everything the feelings the highs the lows again months of life that I have never lived.... I actually vomited shortly after i woke up the shock to my system was that real

I wonder what ny brain is trying to do or tell me?

I So nearly 40 and a lot of questions

So recently for rthe past few months I have been kinda stuck between the person i was ( Carter ) and the person i am yet to become.

I am stuck because I don't know who he is yet, there are a lot of choices and a lot of questions that goes along with them.

Do i settle for the job and the life that goes along with it? And if yes to that what about all the changes and causes i want to become more involved with my daughter deserves a better world then this, but do I just let all that go?

And if the answer is no then how do I become more involved with all of that without stepping away from that working man?


Amnesty and charity work and all those things that if anything matter more now i am a dad how can I walk away from those causes?

I need to be the best father I can be but I am not sure which me if any of these is the best one for that role.

I do know however that Carter needs to be put n the box sure i will take what I need and those lessons from that life but that life is gone no point looking back.

A freind warned me a long time ago that having a baby was not for people like us , i get it now i cant be that person i need to be a better one.

So month off work coming soon and time to answer these questions

Spring cleaning and sorting out

This year I intend to have a proper sort out of all my stuff, this will included clothes and well EVERYTHING

To this end i have booked all of April off work and will be looking to heavily reduce the amount of stuff I have.

This will make any future housemoves much easier and a good old declutter is always good news.

I am also having some new ink done as a sign of moving forward I am having the Amnesty international symbol on my upper right arm

I intend to get more involved in work for them again like i used to be I feel it is such an important cause and its time to reflect that in my daily life again.

I will also be setting up my new PC and starting mining litecoins and getting involved in a project with a friend

My other uses for the pc will be as somewhere to continue writing my book which I hope to have finished the first draft within the next year and as a media server for the house.

Can't wait for April now....

Fasting and other things

So recently I have been fasting two to three times a week and its going really well, I found that it easier for me to do eat nothing instead of simply restricting myself to 500 or so calories.

Life is good right now i am a little nervous about the upcoming surgery although no dates as yet.

Hope you are all well and happy

Fasting

So for a while now i have been intermittent Fasting on alternate days and being honest sometimes I find it very hard, so I tried a couple of different ideas this weekend.

I have noticed that if I don't eat at all it is so much easier , so from now on instead of 600 calories on alternate days i will have 2 days a week where i eat nothing and avoid sugar in drinks so my fast will be closer to how I fast as a Buddhist simply green tea and and water.

I intend to split these days by at least 2 days where I eat normally.

I am also going back to a vegetarian or maybe pescatarian diet but this is mostly for as way to limit the harm i do and comes from my Buddhist side,and as a way of encouraging myself to eat in a healthier and more balanced way.

I don't like how I feel on alcohol anymore so will be cutting that down or out completely over the coming months

Health issues

So with my shoulder more than likely needing a partial or full replacement i am unable to train or ride right now, this both frustrating and makes me feel ill a lot more than maybe i should, also it's making alternate day fasting very difficult, so I am moving to a 5, 2 intermittent regime where i fast on weekends.

And walking everywhere to try and keep my physical fitness up

Do any of you know other ways i can keep fit that doesn't involve my arms?

Other than this i feel ok, except for the pain

Wierd place

Right now i am kinda stuck between who i was and who I am becoming, and it's very odd here.

I think i am a little more sick then i had previously my resting pulse has jumped from 67 to 89, this can not be good news

In terms of health my resting pulse WAS super healthy for my age and is now kinda unfit

The hospital know and they and me talked about it so that's cool.

Mentally i feel kinda odd not sad but most certainly not happy now content.

Other than these mild concerns life is ok
A hard post to write and even harder to implement


Sorry I have not written for a while, it’s been an emotional and mentally very hard time for me and I have been dealing as best I could which for me meant simply hiding from the world so saying or typing it out loud would have meant I was forced to deal with things that I simply had not time for and no ability to handle.

That all came to a head on Friday when I was ruled “unfit for work” by work! , this simple phrase forced me to face head on simply how ill I am, and this lead to a whole emotional overload which I can only call a breakdown of sorts.

My shoulder is looking like it will need replacing; this will involve what is potentially many quite serious operations.

This has forced me to face my mortality and fragility as a human in a way that I never had and I do not really yet have the tools for.

This has come at the worse time for me in many ways I assume there are no good times for this but this “revelation” is unwanted at this time.

I also tried to revert back to an earlier self this weekend and go out to see some old friends at a club night I was part of for so many years, but the loss of some very dear friends including one of the people I felt closest to in my life has left holes in what I considered for many years to be my family.

I love all of you Gadge, Claire, Carrie, Spoox, James, Tom, Mat Scarlett, Glyn, Emma and Charlie and many others who are and were the family i was blessed to be a part of for so many years.

And i remember the ones that are lost and moving on to their next lives

This is also a thank-you to those wonderful people who are and were part of of that life

I can't be a part of that life any more too many reminders of people lost and that is so sad that i cant continue.

An odd day

I feel very disconnected from... well everything at the moment. I have an odd amount of self doubt which is also worrying.

Not really sure what i can do about it.

I know logically that most of this is down to my shoulder and being injured it's annoying that i feel kinda helpless.

But it is also seeping into other areas of my life.

I also think that i want to spend even more time with Mia but the only way that can happen is her sleeping over more, I have an odd desire to create a home for me and her which may mean moving.

So much on my mind at the moment, it's all a bit manic

Oh well i suppose action is the best way forward.

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!
technomouse
Alan Clarke

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