YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Evening thought wanderings

It's weird as I sit here and write in this journal I have had for most of my adult life I wonder, looking back I have been many people and now I am this ME i won't be this me forever just as I wasn't those me's 

I am listening to Beyond good and Evil and Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche and i wonder will we or I ever really understand? And is there a reason or a purpose for me and us being here or is it just chance?

I choose to think and believe that in spite of a self-evident lack of a greater being or a purpose that I have found that I will simply try each day to be better or more good or perhaps some days less bad than the day before.

The universe is showing me a new path and I am looking forward to exploring.

I was stuck in an in between me for a while and that is changing now :-)

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

weird side effects

So i am trying to talk more openly about my everyday health and well being, this isn't easy because i mostly live in some sort of odd denial that allows me to ignore most it so i can get on with my life. One of the side effects i have been noticing is that i tend  to over exercise especially when riding, normally when riding your legs start to hurt as a signal you are riding too hard for your body to cope with, i don't feel that due to lots of Dihydrocodeine and the other sources of pain drowning out those signals, so i only really notice when my heart start beating out of my chest , this in a way in great for my overall fitness but leaves me on days off with really aching wobbly legs.

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!


After my recent scare i have discovered a new love for EVERYTHING 

LIfe is bright , colourful , manic, busy and all round AMAZING

I am looking forward to many good things this year that i am planning for me and Squidge

First and foremost is the holiday i am planning in July

Me, Dan, Jim and Squidge are all going up to the lakes for a few days it’s going to be EPIC a few days in lovely part of the country in a luxury caravan, LOTS of fresh air and fun

More than anything i love every second i spend with my amazing daughter, watching her smile and laugh and well just about everything she does.

I am enjoying walking to work , being at work , chilling at home and i am simply HAPPY

Meditation is easier than ever and i feel like i am going deeper than ever, i am currently using Theta music and it has really opened up a new mental landscape for me, i suspect it's a combination of the recent scare and this but the reason is unimportant.

I hope you are well and happy ? 

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!


Its a odd thing recovering , it implies that pre whatever issue you had you were ok and everything was fine, however for me i live osteoarthritis so before my kidneys shut down i really wasnt ok

I was living on 5-10 dihydrocodeine a day, 1 or 2 amitriptyline a night and various other over the counter painkillers

However while i thought that was for the pan in my shoulder i think a lot of it was me avoiding life, i wasn't really sleeping or eating properly and i most certainly wasn't taking care of myself.

This has now changed i have realised with proper care and attention spent on what i eat and making sure i sleep well i can mitigate a lot of the pain in my shoulder and drastically reduce my over painkiller intake.

Also by becoming a vegetarian i can give my kidneys and liver a break and reduce my carbs down a little more ( i am now eating less than 40g of carbs a day) and this all helps with the inflammation in my shoulder.

I have also made the sensible move to avoid all booze and smoking and have mostly cut caffeine out ( i still like a cup of tea in the morning)

I have managed to increase the amount of water i drink and i will be buying a Zero water filter on payday.

So instead of recovering i have managed to increase my overall health beyond what it was before the entire kidney injury ,stomach bug incident.

I feel a lot better than i have in a long time, and soon i will be returning to exercising 2 or 3 times a week ( not sure when or what yet) i will be starting with walking to to and from work  everyday and then when my shoulder improves will be buying a new bike.

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Are we ever really present in our lives??

So i am slowly getting used to this new version of myself, for years now i have been running on prescribed painkillers, coffee,booze and adrenaline and very little sleep.

The effect of all of that was that i was really “present” in my life and for that i am truly sorry to all my loved ones and friends.

I honestly didn't notice i was only partly there most of the time, my recent brush with serious illness has woken me up for want of a better phrase.

Now i am clear of all of that life is a bit spiky and very real and i am dealing with a lot of emotions i have been mostly and oddly effectively suppressing for a long time.

This has been a very needed wake up call and while it's going to take me a while to wrap my head around i am most certainly happy to have this chance.

There are a lot of things i need to sort out and that is also going to take a while but i am being kind to myself and allowing that to happen

I am surprised by my own MASSIVE lack of insight into my own condition over the past few years but i suppose we all deceive ourselves.

I am also trying not to beat myself up much about all of this, i think the universe has done that last week.

Physically i am getting better, still very weak and tired and sleeping a lot but that is also expected, though i will only be taking it easy for so long.

This summer is going to busy, i will be taking Mimi to Scarfel pike camping near my birthday and i can't wait.

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

A scary week but good things come from challanges we meet and rise to

So this time last week i started to get a stomach bug i couldn't keep anything in me for a few days and then on Tuesday morning i was admitted to the QMC tachycardic and with Acute Kidney Injury stage 3 ( the final stage before full and total renal failure)

There was lots of procedures and lots of all sort of things i won't bother to describe as they are mostly unimportant they mostly fixed me.

The Nurses and doctors were AMAZING without their amazing,kind,generous and all round wonderful care i might not be writing this in my own home or at all

I am home now and have been for a couple of days i am eating , drinking and getting back the weight i lost and recovering, every day is a little better and this process is always about small steps i know this.

Now for the hard part

I have been an idiot...

Let me explain for most of my life i have been a VERY active person often riding in excess of 40 miles a week , running, gym etc and i have always had and still have a great recovery rate, and i allowed myself to coast on that , often drinking too much , smoking etc

BUT i am in my 40s now not my 20s and i have known inside for a while that i should make a few life changes and have been mostly allowing myself to ignore and coast

NOT any longer i now HAVE to make some pretty drastic changes ,  so as of monday when i have exhausted my existing food supplies i am going vegetarian , drinking it gone, so is most of the coffee and  all the energy drinks and while i am limited by my osteoarthritis i also need to find a way to exercise A LOT MORE

I haven't been kind to my physical self , not sleeping enough , living on caffeine and not caring for my body instead kind being at odds with it,trusting that it would sort itself out


I am ready for this new stage and while i feel pretty rough right now i ok with this and it gives me time to sort out all the things i need to change

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Moments of joy

So first things first, my shoulder is getting better i have a little more  movement and a little less pain so that's good.

Work is ok i enjoy my role immensely , working 37.5 hours a week combined with my normal pain levels is very very tiring but with mediation and medication it is ok

The part of my life that makes everything good and happy is the time i spend with my darling daughter, reading with her and helping her learn new things is AWESOME, to see her eyes light up and her face crumple when she is told something new is AMAZING

I love her so very much , i know i am biased but to me she is simply AMAZING

I love watching her work things out and chatting with her, even when she makes mistakes i can understand how she arrived at that conclusion and correcting her is always a fine line between praise for thoughts and conclusions while at the same time carefully correcting the small errors.

I am amazed how fast she can adapt and absorb information and use that to correct her thoughts and conclusions.

I love being a dad and i love being her dad, it is a role i never expected but it is one i feel has given me a new purpose in life.

I hope you are all well and happy and i hope you are finding the moments of joy in your life.

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Small steps

 This week has been tiring but overall very positive, I have managed to grate cheese, brush my hair and shave ALL WITH MY RIGHT HAND

All this and my normal physio have caused pain levels to be very high but i can handle

Work has been good i am starting to feel like i actually know what i am doing YAY

I think i have found a really good home for my bike , a good mate is hopefully buying it, this means i know its going to a good home and it will be loved and enjoyed as it should and while sad i know its a good move both for my own mental health and moving forward and for the bike it needs to be enoyed.

Hopefully one day not so far away i will be able to ride a bike again and if so i will buy myself a Brompton

as this will work better for my lifestyle and will be something to look forward to.
YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Another good week

OK starting off on a negative pount I AM REALLY MISSING RIDING MY BIKE but at present i cant even lift my arm up high enough to grip the bars :-(

I am doing physio , i am eating better and its kinda working

On to good things, the rate at which my AMAZING daughter can pick up and understand ANY information or ANY concept explained to her is ASTOUNDING me on an almost daily basis.

She is amazing , wonderful and a constant source of happiness and joy to me.

I suppose i must admit to personally feeling very frustrated and almost angry at my body, i know my choices led to this injury amd therefore i must take respomsabilty for that but at the same time its frustrting not to be able to ride, or really use my right arm much.

I will be on my bike agiain hopefully this year

I am still loving my job and hopefully in the next month or so i will be taken on with a permanant contract.

Life is on the whole good , i hope you all have good week ^)^

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Another week in the life of me ^_^

I am really liking sitting down on a Saturday morning and putting my week and my thoughts down here.

Firstly i am so very proud of my AMAZING daughter, watching her do her homework and learn and seeeing her grow is AWESOME,.

I never expected to be a father or to be fair wanted to , and then one amazing day and one amazing lady changed all of that and i am so very thankful for that decision and for Jacey.

Before Mimi i was kinda drifting , i had depression and i suppose i was very directionless and as a result i often made bad decisions and didnt really look after myself.

Now after 6 years as a father i realise that Mia gave me a lot of direction and a lot of purpose, i dont really get depressed anymore or live that life anymore, i dont miss it in fact i am happy more now than i have been since i was a child.

I dont have time for those darker thoughts most of the time , i have a job i love, a daughter who constantly amazes me.

Being a father is tiring, and stessfull and oddly those are exactly the things that help me not be depressed.

This week has been hectic as always , my work is constantly challenging me and forcing me to learn and adjust, and it awesome.  I llike my team and the poeple i work with amd i really enjoy the work.

I have had my Acer Chromebook 14 now for a couple of weeks and it awesome, it does everything i need and just works , its quick and i keep finding new things it can do and it fits really well into my life.

I hope you are all well and happy?