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August 19th, 2009

odd and mmmm


So nothing really new in my world, Nightmare which in my honest opion is one the best alternative/goth nights in the country is ending this coming december after ten amazing years.

I will be at this last gig just like i was at the first sure i have missed a few recently but i still feel very part of that night in my own way, the first Nightmare after party was held by myself and my now ex wife at the house i owned at the time.

It some ways it makes me a little sad and in others i agree its the right thing to do it changed the scene in many ways and it better to wind it up while its still up there.

I dont feel comfortable in clubs anymore anyway BUT i will be there for the last one no matter how sad it makes me.

Recently i have been close to crying most of the time and i am not realy sure why? maybe this is just a new mood i dont know or care i would like it to end BUT in my new more relaxed state i will allow it to end when it is ready instead of fighting stupidly with no reason.

Its wierd how i feel attached or have an emotion link with a night but Nightmare holds so many good and bad memories for me....

I am lost right now, i have a clear idea of who i was but no real idea of who i am now and that odd and leaves me feeling kinda lost and scared. I dont know what i want or what i am doing anymore i am just living without an real purpose or intent.

I just dont feel like i am going anywhere right now merly treading water and thats not something i do.

Spending all my time off sorting through my stuff and thowing lots away i need to do something and make a move out of this city i think.

having bad thoughts again but keeping them at bay no self harm for me so far.....

meditation is both helping and making things a little more complex as i am learning more abouit myself and with my normal level of self disgust this can get a little complex but i am sure it will settle

So nothign more to report have a great one people ....

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!
technomouse
Alan Clarke

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