September 3rd, 2009

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Happy with myself

this phrase has a come up a lot of late, and i am not sure i will ever be it.

on good days i feel ok with myself and bad ones i tend to hurt myself in some way or another, today was a bad day so i will have some new scars in a couple of days.

I dont like what i am , i dont like not being able to tunr off all the thoughts in my head, i do like to feeling of cutting myself, i do like the feeling of drinking till it stops, i do like taking  painkillers till nothing matters and yeah i love Valium because it gives me that brief everything is ok feeling.

But i know everything isnt, i was never good at being an adult, i ws nver good at money and finiances excepot in the oddest sense, i am not good at paying bills and cleaning the house, i am not good at social interaction if i am not putting on an absurd front.

I am great at wierd maths , coding in obscure computer languages, adapting to situations so fast it makes my head spin.

but on the whole i am crap at most of the things most people do well, and most of all i dont see a good end for me or this world.

I know in me there is something great i have seen it and lost it agian and i know there are answers sometimes i can see them or feel them and someties i think i am getting it but i never do, and I NEED to find them and and the something in me but i am afarid i wont and my life will just be another missed oppertunity

I dont want to wake up tomorow morning but i know i HAVE to becasue i have at least got to attempt to be something i CANT let my life mean nothing and in my eyes right now it simply doesnt.

The world is gong to shit in so may ways and i see that but i also cant stop trying to be better and i cant stop holping and i WONT even if it kills me.

We all need to show compassion , we all need to do those little things we have lost like helping somone with there shopping or ANYTHING instead so many ppl just dont care anymore and hate that, i also hate i have to be pat of a world i dont like any more.

FUCK IT i hope i die in my sleep, and if i dont then fine i will keep going but sometimes its to much .....ya know

*crazyselfhaterantovernormalserivcewillresumeshortly*

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

ok so not a great start

For various reasons i have no cash card and therefore no cash as i have pretty much no ID i am off to the bank in a bit to try and sort this out, BUT up in time for the gym YAY, eating good healthy food now, drinking coffee and wondering how i am going to sort my finances out.  But i am getting ahead of myself the plan is simple

1) my only lunch is going to be a samsosa which is 30p from the shop around the corner cooked fresh

2) breakfast will consist of cereal or toast

3) a veg based slow cooked type meal most evenings prepared the morning and left cooking while at work.  This mean fresh veg every day.

This will greatly reduce my out goings.

Walking to work instead of the tram, and many more things like that i should be able to free up a decent amount of money to start paying the loans etc.

SO this is a start now food and off to the gym in the hope i can find my motivation agan I WILL NOT SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING just because ....... feeling depressed is a state of mind and one i am simply not going to accept.

Its going to be hard i know this and yeah i expect a few more scars a long the way but hey

Drinking has also got to stop and this is the one thing i am having a lot of trouble with so from now on i am leaving all money and card at home.

I may need a pat time job if i do follow this route then i will cancel my gym membership but this is only a step i wan to take IF I HAVE TO as the gym helps me keep a little saner than i might be otherwise.

Autumn is my time of year so things will pick up i will make them if i have to