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October 1st, 2010

so...taking back my life

 Its been five days ................

This is a good thing

Tomorrow i start taking back what is mine , my kitchen will be cleaned and tidy and it will stay that way

I want homemade soup, pizza, bread, and fresh coffee .... i want to make cakes

NO more living like a drugged up wierdo

I might even buy an apron

I could be out in the bar with my work mate drinking but i know where that would lead.... so instaed i am at home crying every so often, trying not to think about the blade across my skin and watching one tree hill

Life is hard and life hurts us and life makes me sometimes want to end it and i admit i have thought about it recently a lot

BUT i want to take the good days from me and make them mine again i loved making cakes with Em and i loved baking bread with Glyn and i loved homemade pizza

So instead of tryig to avoid being a slef destructive me which i think i will always be and i making a me that does little things all the time and makes them mine

So maybe this is the start of something good ....maybe i should give up the booze as well as i know where that leads to

Maybe i am a addict and i need ot sort that out

And honestly i can only start where i am and go from there 

I still want to hold woodlandfae in my arms and i still cry when i know i wont 

but this is my life here and now and this is somethig i will sort out i only really have this one shot 

and by that i mean i have no more fight in me last night .......i got close....so much closer that ever before to ending it 

i have to sort this out now , here and right away...cause i dont think i can start again after this i am scared of myself 

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!
technomouse
Alan Clarke

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