June 21st, 2011

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

i feel scared, lost and sad again

 So much happening mostly in my head...i have again been forced to see myself through the eyes of someone who clearly does not like me that much any more, and its the not the glaring and destructive insights that hurts, its the fact they are said by a person who i still love.

So i am left again knowing i screwed up another good thing and scared that it was my last chance

So much i dont even know so i cant say except to say that once again i am a massive screw up.

I dont even know how to react i know what i want to do but another sprial of self hate isnt going anywhere, so no drinking or self harming or anything i need to adjust and grow the fuck up.
I need to do the right thing and be the best person i can be because at the end of the day that is all i can do.
So instead i am sitting on my bed writing here and crying while listening to an album that reminds me of that wonderful and amazing lady.
I know this time i have to change far more than i have done before, i have to rid myself of various head demons and i know the way forward....meditation will be a big part and a lot of honesty with myself.
I know its going to be hard but i have to get to place where i like myself a lot more before anyone can really love me. 
I have said all along i am trying figure out this right / wrong moral dealio and i still havnt but i know where i should start and its in my own head.
I was so close this time to everything i didnt even know i wanted and now i want it i am as far away as i ever was.
I have no one to blame except myself.

I have taken steps that may seem a little harsh and i apologise if i offend anyone but i have removed lots of people from here, facebook , twitter and my phone.
I cant be around those people any more i have to put that stage of my life in a box and walk away.
I have let myself on drink and drugs screw up 2 or maybe 3 relationships and its not there fault its who i am on them and why i turn to them.
I dont know when i changed and i dont know what caused it i do know its stops here and it stops now. 
I cant tell you yet what led to all this but i can say that i cant go one being the way i am i would prefer to be dead and i am not one for giving up so change is now essential.