June 27th, 2011

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

The next step

 Ten years ago (ish) i tried to sort my head out but i wasnt ready, for the past 20 ish years i have been fighting with Bi polar and i had just about convinced myself that it was not an illness and it was something i could handle....i was wrong to even think that and stupid.

10 years of self medication and self harm in various guises....physical , emotion (pushing people away, making people hate me etc) and i am still here.

Two weeks ago i took a first step i quit all drink and ............

And today thank to this from a post by scott_lynch  i am taking the next step, admitting i have a problem and admitting i am ill and asking for help.

3. Stoic Self-Delusion

There is an unfortunate undercurrent of tradition and feeling in our society (in many societies, in fact) that prescribes guilt, shame, and stoic self-isolation for mental illness. I know this as well as anyone because I spent years buying into this myth myself. This is not to say that there aren't times in our lives when we need to summon up the courage and the will to take a risk, but you can't simply will yourself to not have a genuine illness. Part of really, truly dealing with depression consists of realizing that it is an illness, and it needs to be monitored and mitigated just like asthma or diabetes or any of a thousand other chronic ailments. It has no moral dimension. It doesn't care how bright and beautiful your positive thoughts are.

We try so desperately to insist otherwise. It's central to our collective immortality delusion. Most of us who haven't brushed too closely against death, I suspect, have a pretty high opinion of how we could hold out against a serious flesh wound, a virulent disease, a deadly poison. Gritting our teeth heroically like a fictional character, "fighting for life." We tell ourselves that all the time… "Oh, she'll beat the cancer, she's a fighter. She's got the will to live." It's crucial to us that we cling to that straw, that notion that we can bend our will against mortality itself, and that death will blink if we truly want to live bad enough. It's insanity, pure woolly-headed magical thinking, marrow-deep optimism in the face of horrendous evidence to the contrary. It's also perfectly understandable-- we need this particular special stupidity, as a species, as families, as individuals. Hope lashes us harder and drives us farther than fear ever could.

The damnable side effect, of course, is that we sometimes insist that genuine physical and mental problems are "all in our heads" and can be wished away with a bigger smile.

The full post which i highly recomend reading is here : http://scott-lynch.livejournal.com/261555.html

I can no longer live like this....i am alone and scared of staying this way, this weekend i lost a very dear friend and i know life is too short.
I always though i wouldnt make it this far but i have and now i have a reason to prove to all those around me i have hurt, worried etc that i can with help turn this around.

I owe at least that much to S and there are other signs that i need to turn this around.

And there are a lot of those people that i owe a massive apology to.

I let my arrogance and self delusion lead me to this point and i wish i could take some things back....but i cant so what i can is be the best person i can be now.

And yeah its going to be hard and yeah i am more than a little scared of so many things right now and super unsure of myself but ya know what its not like i have a choice anymore.

So this is me ...sorting it and getting on with my life , sorry to anyone out there i have been a dick to.