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August 3rd, 2011

Aug. 3rd, 2011

Firstly this must start with my deepest and heartfelt thanks to Jacey for helping me make these changes you have made me a better person.
 
Jacey is moving out...this is the final end of us,,,,,,,,,,,we will never complete all those wonder filled dreams we had with each other.

I dont know what will happen from here the job front is looking promising , i am enjoying running again .......i would like to move house when i have a job sorted and learn to ride a motorbike.

I have cleared a total  of nine box of stuff i have been carrying around with me for no real reason, i want to slim my life as a whole down again.

 i want to fitter, in a good job , with a good place and i want to be more stable.

I have done so many things in the last few months because i knew i needed to and i m glad i did i am a better man , and most of friends see that......the only one i needed to notice was Jacey
 
So this time i am facing my emotions so no drinking binges, no drugs and accepting i can be sad about this and about Sarah
 
I am seeking help for my self harming .....and ....
 
This is great and scary all at the same time, right now i get scared walking into bars because there too many people
 
I have been trying write but it does not feel the it should to me....and typing while crying is pretty hard
 
So i know this is a new start and i am not going to slide back to the old ways , every day i have fight that part of my self , that darknes and im tired
 
I am not giving up and i am not stopping....i almost did the other night,,,,,,,so when my front room becomes free i shall use that as a staging point for nonsense i no longer need.
 
I am sleeping fa too much and everything even this is  hard, BUT i am here and i will recover and i will find my happiness in a Buddhist sense and literal one
 
I need and want to stay single i dont want anyone in my till i have sorted lots more stuff out,
 
I would love to meet any of you for a coffee in town just pm me on facepants
 

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YAY a present for Darwin!!!!
technomouse
Alan Clarke

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