October 11th, 2011

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

so a sit down with me journal

I have not been posting here as i dont really know how to express what i am feeling and thinking right now BUT i started this journal with an aim and a promise to myself that this place would reflect who I am.


I love my new job , sure there is stress and pressure and its one hell of a challenge some days but yeah i love the place , the people and that feeling i get when i make a sale, i will have to work dam hard to succeed there and that part of the charm for me.


Most of the time i am a mixture of scared, sad, excited, lonely, isolated and lost...part of me wants this place to myself for a little while and thinks that me and J will get on better once we have our own places, part of me is terrified i am losing her and also my soon to be born baby girl.

Some of me still questions how good a father i will be and has serious doubts over my ability to bring up M and thinks that J would be best just getting as far away from me and taking M with her.

Another part of me wants so much to hold my baby girl and i know i will do everything i can to show her all the love i can and impart what i have learned in this life to her.........


Oddly at this point i am kinda comfortable with myself for maybe the first time ever.........sure there is an INSANE amount of pressure and stress from money worries to my impending fatherhood and of course my job.  I feel like i am finding a new and previously only vaguely hinted at  inner me who can handle all of this, without resorting to self harming or drinking too much etc

Another part wonders how long i can continue this for and questions my ability to maintaining this current balance and calm

Life and me are all over the place right now i wish i could figure out what i want and i wish for things that cant be..........

I cry most mornings and i don't really know why and that confuses me 

I know i have taken many steps forward this year I am a much better person than I was ....I accept and allow myself to feel openly, i am not relying on meds, drinking self harm or self medication to cope but I still don't feel like I am coping that well if that make any sense?

Maybe i am just over thinking things???

A new friend at work tried to complement me yesterday and said I was "really smart" ...I honestly don't feel that way and I think i just giggled and looked confused, she then said "don't you think so?" ..I replied "if I was really smart I would have more of clue what I was doing and wouldn't be so dam confused most of the time", she looked confused by this.

I do not feel "clever" or "smart" at all ..............

I don't like "wait and see" but seemingly can not do anything else right down