October 25th, 2011

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

good bye old friend

On Saturday i went out as Carter for the last time.........i feel odd about this in so many ways its hard to put into words

It  was so very very easy to be him to find the things he finds and do the things he does so very well, i realised that being him is what i do best and this is deeply concerning for now i have got to be the opposite of him for pretty much the rest of my life.

I have no clue at all how to be a grown up, father, responsible or any of those things i am going to need to be, people around me keep telling me i will know what to do but no one tells me HOW i will know this??

I also realised how much i am going to miss the ease and simplistic nature of that party boy lifestyle.

I am so scared right now of screwing up Mia's life , i simply do not know how to be ..................

I also miss not waking up alone ..........i didnt know i did but i do so very very much.

I also can not seem to stop randomly crying when i am alone and no one can see

Would Mia be better off without me or not ? I see the that question in some peoples eyes when they found out i am going to be a father....they do not say it they repeat the same nonsense that i will know what to do but there is a hesitation and a tell in there body language that they do believe that any more than i do.

I already love her so so so much 

I will miss Carter i know i can not be him any longer that part of my life is done and a new adventure and chapter is just beginning........

I thank the people that made Saturday night such a great send off, firstly the ever amazing Julie-Anne Borgias, the wonderful Sarah and Simon, the beautiful and entrancing Angela Lucinda Johnson , the ever delightful Alistair Kershaw and my wingman , brother and dear dear friend David "Dink" Ramsell thank you to all of you for being there to see the last stand of Carter.......it was emotional guys 

So i suppose i should move on ...to a life i have no clue how to live and no idea how to pull off.............

This journal will remain for the time being though i can see a point in time where i resign it to the box a call my past with Carter who lives there now