May 9th, 2013

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

lots of thinking recently

It seems i have these odd self insight moments a lot these days ...maybe that's a good thing or not ?

I am once again attempting to fit into a life that confuses me ...

I realised yesterday that i don't entirely know who i am (actually thats not right it's just the best way i can word it) ...I knew who i was or i thought i did but those memories of that person are tinged with the unreal

I am sure this isn't making much sense.  So let me clarify a little.

I remember a weekend where me and a close friend spoke to fairies, played volleyball with an energy ball we "created" and chatted for far far more than the 40 ish hours we were together with a magical glowing tree outside lighting the path to the truth

NOW i know some of that didn't happen and i know some of it did  i even know which bits to discount as "tripping" but does that make them less real and if it does how do i then account for last 15 years of "memories"???

I perhaps should think less.

I know i hurt JC and i really am sorry for that but i have to say here to you that i cant see a way i can ever get on the right side of that.  If i calm i am a "zombie" and if i am me i am "too hectic" and that binary classifications is true of so so many situations.

I have never been able to grasp the middle way ...i am either ON IT or not, i am either the happiest person in the room or   the saddest.

How i meant to be the "right" person when i don't even know what that is??

I am not proud of a lot of the things i did that year (2011)

In my defense i was faced with loving someone who i knew didnt really love me , and i understand she thought and maybe still does that she did but i had to walk away from that, i could not see a way forward and that's the best time to get out.

And faced with that situation and then the inevitable comedown from 10 years of of insanity , and then a close freind who meant SO much me left us  and THEN the prospect of becoming a father all inside a 4 month time frame i snapped

And yeah i admit i made some stupid choices and hurt some people around me, especially JC.

Meds, CBT didnt really help, my therpist seemed to think i was "a stressed and depressed and under a lot of pressure but i was acting rationally"

I know she was scared and i tried so hard to be there and understand but the wall she had already put up was beyond me at that time and maybe always will be now.

So i am left trying to be the new sober and productive member of society, while all the time feeling like i am playing  part in some kind of universal play.

I wont say the only times i feel like me are when i am high that's just not the case , every moment i spend with Mia i feel ALIVE in a way i havnt before.

But with JC ....i am lost, i love her and she pretty much hates me.

That all folks for this mornings odd ramblings

Does anyone still read this?