February 3rd, 2015

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

A hard post to write and even harder to implement Sorry

A hard post to write and even harder to implement

Sorry I have not written for a while, it’s been an emotional and mentally very hard time for me and I have been dealing as best I could which for me meant simply hiding from the world so saying or typing it out loud would have meant I was forced to deal with things that I simply had not time for and no ability to handle.

That all came to a head on Friday when I was ruled “unfit for work” by work! , this simple phrase forced me to face head on simply how ill I am, and this lead to a whole emotional overload which I can only call a breakdown of sorts.

My shoulder is looking like it will need replacing; this will involve what is potentially many quite serious operations.

This has forced me to face my mortality and fragility as a human in a way that I never had and I do not really yet have the tools for.

This has come at the worse time for me in many ways I assume there are no good times for this but this “revelation” is unwanted at this time.

I also tried to revert back to an earlier self this weekend and go out to see some old friends at a club night I was part of for so many years, but the loss of some very dear friends including one of the people I felt closest to in my life has left holes in what I considered for many years to be my family.

I love all of you Gadge, Claire, Carrie, Spoox, James, Tom, Mat Scarlett, Glyn, Emma and Charlie and many others who are and were the family i was blessed to be a part of for so many years.

And i remember the ones that are lost and moving on to their next lives

This is also a thank-you to those wonderful people who are and were part of of that life

I can't be a part of that life any more too many reminders of people lost and that is so sad that i cant continue.