April 11th, 2018

YAY a present for Darwin!!!!

Are we ever really present in our lives??

So i am slowly getting used to this new version of myself, for years now i have been running on prescribed painkillers, coffee,booze and adrenaline and very little sleep.

The effect of all of that was that i was really “present” in my life and for that i am truly sorry to all my loved ones and friends.

I honestly didn't notice i was only partly there most of the time, my recent brush with serious illness has woken me up for want of a better phrase.

Now i am clear of all of that life is a bit spiky and very real and i am dealing with a lot of emotions i have been mostly and oddly effectively suppressing for a long time.

This has been a very needed wake up call and while it's going to take me a while to wrap my head around i am most certainly happy to have this chance.

There are a lot of things i need to sort out and that is also going to take a while but i am being kind to myself and allowing that to happen

I am surprised by my own MASSIVE lack of insight into my own condition over the past few years but i suppose we all deceive ourselves.

I am also trying not to beat myself up much about all of this, i think the universe has done that last week.

Physically i am getting better, still very weak and tired and sleeping a lot but that is also expected, though i will only be taking it easy for so long.

This summer is going to busy, i will be taking Mimi to Scarfel pike camping near my birthday and i can't wait.

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