Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke

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so i often wonder...

I wonder how other people percieve me, and how i come accross to those around me.

My life has changed a lot in the past 2 years and with that i know i have changed, i am still not the person i really want to be but i know i am getting there.....

I still far to often revert to that outward persona i created when i am stressed or feeling lost or insecure and i still dont really know why.

I still far too often feel ill at ease in social situations i would have been completly happy in 2 years ago ?

But i also have to accept that the calm and ease i felt then was becasue i only presented certian parts of me to the world and that it was a control issue, now i dont really have that control anymore but at least i am me.

I find i am often sad and distant and i wonder how that translates to those around me?

I know a lot of people keep asking me if i am all right simply becasue i am now far more quiet and withdrawn than they expect but what they expect was Carter and he was never really me just a part of me that was scewed out of all real proportion and he was obviously just a coping mechanism.  But i suppose most people will niot understand that?

I often wonder how i am supposed to answer that question...mostly i say Yeah and shoot a very Carter like smile back and that seems to please them???

Then there are some lovley people just like pai_kitagowa and _hellexa_  who seem to like this me more so perhaps i am going the right way and many people are just taking a while to catch up?

My music taste has changed a lot of late and i am listening to much more contemplative / darker music.

I spend a lot of time thinking and meditating and i often wonder if i am really getting anywhere, it to easy to be Carter and sometimes i slip and then another crazy lost weekend happens.

And then i often get annoyed with myself.

Anyway that enough selfish rambling sorry all i find it helps me to frame and write down my thoughts it gives them a kinda of mental solidity ....

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