Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke

Happy with myself

this phrase has a come up a lot of late, and i am not sure i will ever be it.

on good days i feel ok with myself and bad ones i tend to hurt myself in some way or another, today was a bad day so i will have some new scars in a couple of days.

I dont like what i am , i dont like not being able to tunr off all the thoughts in my head, i do like to feeling of cutting myself, i do like the feeling of drinking till it stops, i do like taking  painkillers till nothing matters and yeah i love Valium because it gives me that brief everything is ok feeling.

But i know everything isnt, i was never good at being an adult, i ws nver good at money and finiances excepot in the oddest sense, i am not good at paying bills and cleaning the house, i am not good at social interaction if i am not putting on an absurd front.

I am great at wierd maths , coding in obscure computer languages, adapting to situations so fast it makes my head spin.

but on the whole i am crap at most of the things most people do well, and most of all i dont see a good end for me or this world.

I know in me there is something great i have seen it and lost it agian and i know there are answers sometimes i can see them or feel them and someties i think i am getting it but i never do, and I NEED to find them and and the something in me but i am afarid i wont and my life will just be another missed oppertunity

I dont want to wake up tomorow morning but i know i HAVE to becasue i have at least got to attempt to be something i CANT let my life mean nothing and in my eyes right now it simply doesnt.

The world is gong to shit in so may ways and i see that but i also cant stop trying to be better and i cant stop holping and i WONT even if it kills me.

We all need to show compassion , we all need to do those little things we have lost like helping somone with there shopping or ANYTHING instead so many ppl just dont care anymore and hate that, i also hate i have to be pat of a world i dont like any more.

FUCK IT i hope i die in my sleep, and if i dont then fine i will keep going but sometimes its to much .....ya know


Tags: death, life, point?

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