So i am left again knowing i screwed up another good thing and scared that it was my last chance
So much i dont even know so i cant say except to say that once again i am a massive screw up.
I dont even know how to react i know what i want to do but another sprial of self hate isnt going anywhere, so no drinking or self harming or anything i need to adjust and grow the fuck up.
I need to do the right thing and be the best person i can be because at the end of the day that is all i can do.
So instead i am sitting on my bed writing here and crying while listening to an album that reminds me of that wonderful and amazing lady.
I know this time i have to change far more than i have done before, i have to rid myself of various head demons and i know the way forward....meditation will be a big part and a lot of honesty with myself.
I know its going to be hard but i have to get to place where i like myself a lot more before anyone can really love me.
I have said all along i am trying figure out this right / wrong moral dealio and i still havnt but i know where i should start and its in my own head.
I was so close this time to everything i didnt even know i wanted and now i want it i am as far away as i ever was.
I have no one to blame except myself.
I have taken steps that may seem a little harsh and i apologise if i offend anyone but i have removed lots of people from here, facebook , twitter and my phone.
I cant be around those people any more i have to put that stage of my life in a box and walk away.
I have let myself on drink and drugs screw up 2 or maybe 3 relationships and its not there fault its who i am on them and why i turn to them.
I dont know when i changed and i dont know what caused it i do know its stops here and it stops now.
I cant tell you yet what led to all this but i can say that i cant go one being the way i am i would prefer to be dead and i am not one for giving up so change is now essential.