Alan Clarke (technomouse) wrote,
Alan Clarke

steps ...small adn scary ones

  SO i am running again thanks in part to the ACE shoes my mum brought me a pair of New Balance 1080 and there AWESOME.

I have decided thanks to a chat , meditation and time .....that what will happen will happen

I will have a job soon and then a house move is on the cards.

My meds have screwed up my head but now appear to working and i have sense of calm and a desire for fitness that i recognise as an older better, healthier me.

I can not influence the actions of other except though kindness and compassion........but also a quiet distance

So i am working on myself ............drink free (mostly) the odd bottle of cider once or twice a week, and free from everything else i used to do,

Life is hard right now, i want many things i simply can not have and would like even more, i miss my dear friend S , when she died it left a missing in me that i cant describe,

I know now i want a family ... a real family , where my child knows her father , know he loves her with all his his heart and is happy that she is around. I know i want to take her on picnics and things, teach her to ride a bike

I would like this so much and hope with time i can get myself to a place where i am stable and well enough to be trusted enough to go down that path.

And i miss one other friend who with time i hope i can regain some level of the great friendship we had....

I am not going to lie and saying everything is good i cry often and am distraught about those losses and sometimes it leaves me a mess for a few hours or a day or so.

I am ok and i know i am geting better....i am not sure i will ever be well and bi polar is not something that can be cured, just managed.

I have started writing again...but something new....not drugs based, more a painting in words...a Novella i suppose

I am hopeful with time my friends will forgive and realise that i am taking many steps..........if not i accept that also with grace and compassion

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