It was so very very easy to be him to find the things he finds and do the things he does so very well, i realised that being him is what i do best and this is deeply concerning for now i have got to be the opposite of him for pretty much the rest of my life.
I have no clue at all how to be a grown up, father, responsible or any of those things i am going to need to be, people around me keep telling me i will know what to do but no one tells me HOW i will know this??
I also realised how much i am going to miss the ease and simplistic nature of that party boy lifestyle.
I am so scared right now of screwing up Mia's life , i simply do not know how to be ..................
I also miss not waking up alone ..........i didnt know i did but i do so very very much.
I also can not seem to stop randomly crying when i am alone and no one can see
Would Mia be better off without me or not ? I see the that question in some peoples eyes when they found out i am going to be a father....they do not say it they repeat the same nonsense that i will know what to do but there is a hesitation and a tell in there body language that they do believe that any more than i do.
I already love her so so so much
I will miss Carter i know i can not be him any longer that part of my life is done and a new adventure and chapter is just beginning........
I thank the people that made Saturday night such a great send off, firstly the ever amazing Julie-Anne Borgias, the wonderful Sarah and Simon, the beautiful and entrancing Angela Lucinda Johnson , the ever delightful Alistair Kershaw and my wingman , brother and dear dear friend David "Dink" Ramsell thank you to all of you for being there to see the last stand of Carter.......it was emotional guys
So i suppose i should move on ...to a life i have no clue how to live and no idea how to pull off.............
This journal will remain for the time being though i can see a point in time where i resign it to the box a call my past with Carter who lives there now